Monday, August 01, 2005

Complaint Department

Now I'm not one to complain, but when things don't work the way they're suppose to I like to make inquires as to why such things are not in proper working order. There are though, such things that you cannot simply go to a customer complaint department for. But oh! Wouldn't it be loverly if you could?

Hello! Welcome to the Miscellaneous Complaints Department, how can I be of service?

Yes I wish to make a complaint about this man I agreed to date not but a half a year ago.

Ah yes! The American-Male Boyfriend Relationship! Well...What seems to be the problem with him?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it! It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

No, it's just hit a slow point!

Look sir, I know a dead relationship when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

No, no it's not dead, it's just slowed down a bit! Great model you have, the American-Male, wouldn't you say! Beautiful coif.

The coif don't enter into it. The relationship is stone dead.

Nononono no, no! It's just a slow point! He's still reactant to you, he's just resting!

All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! HELLO MISTER LOVER BOY!! I'VE GOT A LITTLE SUPRISE FOR YOU IF YOU-

There, see! He moved!

No, he didn't. That was you hitting his shoulder!

Well I never!

Yes, you did!

I never, never did anything...

HELLO LOVER BOY!! TESTING! TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!!! THIS IS YOUR NICE O'CLOCK WAKE UP CALL!

(smacks boyfriend upside head, causing his to fall over onto the counter and slump onto the floor)

Now that's what I call a dead relationship.

No, no......No, he's stunned!

STUNNED!?!

Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up out of it! American-Males stun easily miss...At least the conservative ones. Is he conservative?

Um...I guess.

Well then see? You stunned him!

Now look! I've just about had enough of this! This relationship is deceased, and when I entered into it half a year ago and made the initial complaint, you assured me that his total lack of interest was due to being tired and emotionally drained from a previous long-term relationship.

Well he's...he's ah...Probably pining for the range! The wide open range!

PINING FOR THE RANGE?! What the hell are you talking about? He's a city boy, not a cowboy! Look, tell me why'd he just plopped flat on his ass in front of the TV when I got him home? He didn't even try to woo me!

The American-Male prefers to keep on his ass! Remarkable man isn't he? Lovely coif!

Look, I took the liberty of looking him over the other day and I found out the only reason he's still with me is because of an electronic leash he has implanted in his skin!

......Well of course he has that! Stops him from jumping you at night and giving you some unwanted attention!

Unwanted attention? This guy wouldn't give me attention if I was naked on a bed of a million dollars! The relationship has reached it's demise!

NO! He's just taking a hiatus!

He's not resting, and he's not pining! It' dead! It's passed on! The relationship is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! He's a stiff, no to mention the sex! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the fucking choir invisible! THIS MAN HERE IS AN EX-BOYFRIEND!

Well, we'd better replace it then...But I'm sorry to annouce that we're out of any American-Male boyfriend models left.

Okay then...

I can downgrade your current model to a American-Male friendship if you want.

Does it go all the way?

Nnnnnnot really.

WELL IT'S HARDLY A FUCKING REPLACEMENT NOW, IS IT?!?!

N-no, I guess not.

You guess right.

Do you...Um...You want to come over to my place though?

*sigh* Why not?

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