Tuesday, July 26, 2005

WARNING!!!

Readers of the Sanity is Subjective blog, I call for your attention! I, Raquel, am constantly concerned for your safety, mainly because I don't want to loose what little viewers I have. (Don't leave me...Please?) Taking this into consideration, I give to you some product warning that I myself find very useful...If I were a complete retard.

It's time for wacky product warnings!!
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Lets start with a classic...
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."- child sized Superman costume
Come on, like you haven't read this product warning while shopping for a costume at Party City. As far as I'm concerned, any kid who wears this and thinks it allows him to defy the laws of physics and fly, should be allowed to attempt this feat. Cleanse the gene pool.

"Instructional video on how to hook up your VCR!"- found on VCR box
I hope they put that there assuming that you already own a VCR, and even if you do, doesn't the fact that the old VCR is working proof you can probably figure out how to do it again?

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." - bottle of dog shampoo
Now see...I can't even give a clever retort for that. That's how stumped this has gotten me.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." - Electronic thermometer
A warning like this suggests that some people actual do such a thing. Not something I want to ponder on for too long...

"Please keep out of children." - on a butcher knife package
It's not, "Please keep keep out of reach of children.". The damn thing says "Please keep out of children" period. Why do children get all the protection a warning offers? That hardly seems fair at all. What about adolescents, or adults? How about the elderly? Old people need protection too!

"For best results start with a clean bathtub before use."- bottle of bathroom cleanser
That way you can't tell exactly how crappy the product is...Very ingenious. Bravo and good show to the people in that company who thought that one up!

"Warning: May contain nuts."- on a jar of peanut butter
Just...Next one please.


"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."- package of airline peanuts
Oh great! Another idiotic peanut warning! Well instructions really.But they're right next to the product warning, which will undoubtedly say something to the means of "May contain nuts. Do not eat if you are arallergic to nuts.". But this sort of thing doesn'existst anymore. They stopped giving out peanuts because some stupid yuppie sued, claiming the dust from the peanuts might have killed him. In any case I think the same thing said about the Superman costume should apply to anything with peanuts: if you are stupid enough to eat peanuts when you're allergicic to them, you deserve what you get for being an idiot. That's all I have to say about that. No more nut or obvious food allergy warnings, thank you.

"Intended for use on hair only, not eyes."- shampoo bottle
I thought so! Mainly because, gee I don't know, because THERE IS NO NEED TO WASH YOUR EYEBALLS. Ladies and gentleman, this is what God made tears and eyedrops for. There is no need for eyeball soap.

"No activation required. Call toll-free number to activate."- cell phone package
Yet again, not reIlly a warning, but I still count it in. Mainly because this is might be some small shred of proof that cell phones really do fry your brain...

"Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice."- box of rat poison
"Damn! I don't want my rats to get cancer! I just want them to die, or contract Lou Gehrig's disease. Possibly Alzheimers so they forget that they want to be on my properly and leave, but not cancer!" Come on people, really now! Isn't that a good thing, that it gave the lab mice cancer? Proof that the stuff works. It kills them and that's good enough for me. Then again a PETA member might want a more humane rat posion, but who cares what they think. They're from PETA, they're not capable of what some of us call "thought".

"Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals."- directions for a Swedish chainsaw
Proving that forgeiners are strange people. I don't even want to know how they decided to add "genitals". Hands I can see. For those of us who havent evolved enough to know how to use buttons and swtiches or haven't quite learned that we don't put our hands in the way of sharp, revolving instruments. But genitials? Do I really want to hear the story behind why this was even considered let alone put in the manuel?

"Keep frozen."-on a bag of ice
...Lets just keep moving shall we?

"Product will be hot after heating." - super market desert box
Good Lord, in the name of all things holy! Would someone give me the next one?

"Warning: Will deposit ink onto paper." - printer packaging
Thank you Captain obvious! Did you know that pens can do the exact same thing? Fascinating!

"Do not use intimately." - tube of deodorant
See this was put on the package for my fellow nymphos...Would be a shame to see that during the act and not before hand, wouldn't it? Would be quite embarassing I can tell you that. Then again these people who are resorting to use of a tube of deodorant like that aren't the sort of people that really care if you're suppose to use it like that or not. I mean really people, I know times get desperate, but that's why you always keep a spare. Doing such a thing is not limited to tires and a change of clothes you know.

"Warning: Knives are sharp!"- knife sharpening stone
Sounds like something Bush would need. Otherwise, I am quite sure that most people are aware that knives are sharp. That's why we use them for cutting things.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." - shin guards for bike
Captain Obvious strikes again! Next please...

"Open other end." - bottom of pickle jar
Considering what this is on, I say it's stupid. But otherwise it is a totally valid warning.

"Do not turn upside down." -found on the bottom of a desert package
Now see, this is usually next to or underneath the previous warning, if not as it appears in this example. When put on top of the package, yet again a totally valid warning. But if you put it on the bottom of something, so that you only see the damn thing when your doing exactly what it tell you NOT to do, it's becomes moronic. Completely and utterly. Next warning.

"Warning: May contain small parts."- found on a Frisbee
The mind reels...

"Avoid dropping air conditioner out of window."- found on an AC box
Yes, usually one would avoid dropping such a vital/expensive piece of machinerary out of one's window. Especially if one happens to be a number of stories up from the ground. Although it seems a certain Ctrl+Alt+Del character named Ethan did not read this warning.

"Warning: Not intended for spice usage. May irritate eyes"- can of pepper spray
...Okay now see, I start to loose what little faith I have in humanity reading things like this.

"Warning: very flammable." - found on fire starter log
"Warning: CONTENTS FLAMMABLE!!" - lighter fluid bottle
"Hey Jed! Whatdaya thinksa gonna happened when I holds a lit match to this here fire starter log i got in my hands?"..."I don't know Bud, but I bet it won't be the same as what happens whens you holds a lit match to that there hand you covered in lighter fluid!" By the way, Bud and Jed are not only brothers, but father and son. You think about that.

Warning: Contents are strong. For adult stomachs only.”- on a box of chocolate
Must have liquor in them, or even pot. If not it's a damn good reason to tell those annoying kids they can't have any of your Russell Stovers carmel clusters....

“Remove child before folding.”- infant's stroller
I've heard of neglegant mothers, but this is rediculous. Warning them's not gonna change a thing. I'm pretty damn sure a warning on their child's stroller is going to stop them from folding the child in the stroller if that was their intention.

“Do not use if you are pregnant, intend to become pregnant or might be pregnant.” - box of birth control pills
And we end the skit on a warning intended for total, complete and unredemable morons and woman who came for morning-after pills but couldn't find any. Both shoudln't be allowed to spawn and infect the gene pool any further, with some people wanting to do to the latter what she wanted to do to her unborn child, which only makes sense. If you plan on getting rid of your child, you might as well send if off with the ship.

Well, that's it for my product warnings post! I hope you all walk away with this having learned something about how to use the products around you. Then again maybe not. But it was good for a laugh or two wasn't it?

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