Thursday, May 12, 2005

High School Elections

Yes, dear friends, elections are fast approaching in my high school, the lovely Bayard Rustin School for the Humanities. Well, in being my magnificently generous self, I have decided to run in this year's election. I mean, how can I be so cold hearted and selfish and keep my glorious, awe-inspiring self away from all of my poor peers who have yet to experience me. It's an act of grave inhumane behavior to do such a thing. So, not able to keep such horrid sins on my conscience, I will share myself through my elected office.

In stating such, I shall now proclaim my manifesto...erm...Itinerary for my time in elected office, as shall be announced in my election speech:

Fellow students, my comrades in the learning process, I thank you for your votes. To those who voted for me, I promise you a year of my very best, given to you. I will fight for better learning conditions. Conditions in which both the student and the teacher will be able to function to the best of their abilities. I will fight for our rights as students...No, not as students. As people, to be recongized as such. We are more than just an I.D. number in a computer, or a file in a cabinet. We are more than just a statistic, or part of a quota, or a thing to just tossed about without any thought or consideration. We are people. Just as the faculty at this school are people, so are we, and deserve to be treated as such. We can be talked to, we can be reasoned with, we have the ability to know what we want and need and voice these thoughts, and we should get the chance to do such things. To be able to voice our opinions without being looked down upon as idiotic, stupid, or unable to reason. We, should be seen as equal.

But there are those, who will get in the way of the vision I share for us who are able to reason, and this is an issue that has to be dealt with.

All those who are found to be unable to meet with the new ideals of this school will taken for re-education purposes. The basement shall now be quartered off for such purposes. Re-education shall include a core curriculum that shall serve as an tool to better the minds of those found to be unfit. A standard of intolerance for behavior contrary to that of the afore mentioned standards will be in effect. Punishments shall include more rigorous re-education, solitary confinement in the rooms adjacent to the abandoned pool (also located in the basement) and flogging. Those who show constant disregard to their new coarse of studies and what behavior is to be expected of them shall be moved to a separate holding cell that shall be located at the abandoned pool across from the solitary confinement rooms. They will be left to fend for themselves. Since these cases will then be seen from then on out as having no chance of re-education, or offering something useful for the future, we shall leave stock piles of fully loaded semi-automatic guns with the safety lock off in hopes that they shall exterminate themselves and we won't have to get involved. In order to protect those who are not found to be such a waste of humanity, the walls, ceilings, floors and doors of this chamber shall be bullet proofed and completely secured with constant surveillance.

Of course, we will take away the dead bodies at the end of the school day, clean the pool room and offer our full condolences to the families.

On an additional note, we have identified through hand writing analyze those who had voted for they opposing parties. Those people (as well as socialist, hippies, communist, liberals, and all other people who are seen as unfit in the eyes of the mighty Frank J.) shall automatically be thrown in with the total retards in the abandoned pool with the semi-automatics, and shall be retrained to one place.

Again, I thank you for your votes, and look forward to leading you all into a year that will hopefully open up the doors to a new era of prosperous learning and fond memories for the staff and students of Bayard Rustin School for the Humanities. Well, at least with those who will not be resigning to the re-education center. Thank you for you time and attention, and God bless.

This might be too strong an itinerary for some, but trust me. If you new my school, you would know it is the right thing to do. Though there still is the problem in what to do with the resistant people when they have been done away with. Maybe we can you them in the science department...examine their brain and see what made them tick...


Blogger Dan P said...

Scary, if I were a Communist professor - "you mean *they* can re-educate *us*?"

I hope you don't mind my taking the liberty to point this out, but I find you (based on your description) to be more of a "liberated-conservative" than a "liberal-conservative". I understand the aesthetic value of the oxymoron, but why use a word stigmatized as a mental disorder (liberal) when you can use one that sounds fresh and exciting, and in my opinion, more accurate as well?

Love the odes to Frank J., Part 2 especially. Frequent, yet non-obtrusive, punchlines - and without too many unnecessary words. I sent the original to my conservative friends a couple of months ago, hoping they'd enjoy it as much as I did.

My friend John (at least, in the stories) is truly a lucky man!

5/16/2005 11:21 PM  

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