Monday, April 25, 2005

Ode to Frank J.

IN OUR WORLD: We’re Off To Kill The Liberals!
A John/Raquel Joint

Chapter One: The Republican Harlot
Raquel and John sit in John’s house in Queens one lazy afternoon. John, due to his strenuous college schedule is asleep as usual on the couch. After many futile attempts at waking him, Raquel has give up and is now flipping through the channels.

Zachary, I think I’m pregnant with your evil twin’s brother-in-law’s nephew’s child…Raquel quickly flipped the channel. “Stupid day-time drama.”

Baby’s momma’s who date transgender lesbians only to find out that it’s really they're baby’s daddy, next on Springer…Groans angrily. “Seen it.”

For just five cents a day, you can help Chen Ping- “Can it.” She grumbled as she hit the button.

After a few hundred clicks of the remote, she stops. There is something on T.V. that although she sees the pictures clearly, she can’t understand the language.

Blahblahblah…Bush is a terrible man…blahblahblah…He’s incompetent and foolish, yet he somehow is an evil oil greedy mastermind…blahblahblah… and our troops hate us… blahblahblah…

John somehow rises from his deep slumber. “Would you turn that Michael Moore crap off? It burns my ears.”

“Oh so that’s what it is. No wonder I can’t understand the language.” She said as-a-matter-of-factly. “It’s the post-9/11 dialect of Liberalese.”

Raquel quickly flips the channel to some tolerable nonsense. Quickly growing bored, she looks over and John and stares. “Wish he were up…I wanna play.” She smiles evilly, but her thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash behind her.

Howard Dean stands menacingly with horrific Hulk-like girth. “YEARGH!! KILL REPUBLICANS!!!”

“What the…” Dean comes charging at Raquel, raging and screaming. “Ah crap.”

Raquel gets scooped up. Dean flays her around like some poor imitation of King Kong and his stupid blonde. He screams, “YEARGH!! KILL EVIL REPUBLICAN GIRL!!”

“Oh do shut up.” Miraculously, Raquel pulls out an M16 and fires the entire magazine into Dean’s temple. This only succeeds decorating the floor with pretty, shiny bullet casing. Then she remembered. “Ah crap…that’s right…bullets don’t work.”

Dean continues to rage. “THE WAR IS FILLED WITH HORRIBLE LIES!!”

Raquel looks around and suddenly sees John wide awake and watching. “You care to do something about this?!”

John shrugs. “Eh, okay.” Takes out cell phone and presses a number. “Yes, hi. This is John Konescni. I know this is weird but can we borrow Chomps, The World’s Angriest Dog?...Yes, I know it’s not my place to request access to weapons of mass destruction but…”
“John?”
John covers receiver. “Yes?”
“Just wanted you to know…I NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE!!”
“Oh…”

Dean has stormed out of the house, waving Raquel around like a rag doll and continuing his loud, insane rants. “YEARGH!! NO MORE BLOOD FOR OIL!! THE WAR IS A LIE!! THE PRESIDENT LIES!! REPUBLICANS ARE THE ENEMY!!!”
*

“Mr. Rumsfeld, sir?”

“What is it? I’ll kill you! I’m on the phone right now!”

“But sir, it’s Howard Dean. He seems to have taken a young Republican by the name of Raquel Roman hostage and is raging through Queens, of all places, as we speak.”

Rumsfeld paused and read a file his trembling aid handed him. “So this guy on the phone?”

“He's who she was with at the time of the attack sir.”

Rumsfeld hung up and looked down at Chomps, who was sitting at his feet, just rousing from the world’s angriest mid-afternoon nap. “Chomps, I need you to do something for me.”

Chomps growled the world’s angriest growl.

“I need you to go to Queens, of all places, and take care of Howard Dean for me. You remember Howard Dean right?”

Chomps snarled, and angrily ripped Rumsfeld’s desk into tiny splinters.

He smirked evilly. “I’m glad you remember boy. Well, he’s crossed the line this time. He’s taken a civilian hostage and is rampaging around like he owns the place. I need you to show him different.”

Chomps barked and snapped angrily, running out of the office.

Rumsfeld called after him. “And one more thing.”

Chomps growled angrily at his master for interrupting his rampaging journey to maul Howard Dean.

“Try not to bite the kids too hard. They’re on our side, and just as angry as me. And if you growl at me like that one more time I’ll strangle you!

Chomps barked in angry agreement and ran off to maul Howard Dean.
*

John is idly standing by, watching Dean rip up things with one hand while shaking Raquel in the other. Raquel seems to have gotten bored herself, and is just as idly watching as Dean tears up a small SUV. John then sees a black spec quickly racing toward him.

“Hmm, looks like a dog…an angry dog. If that dog gets any angrier looking…Yup it’s Chomps.”

Chomps comes galloping toward John and stops, angrily snarling at John, ready to pull him apart if he doesn’t point him to Dean in the next few seconds.

John smiles. “Hey Raquel, Chomps is finally here.”

“Oh good.” She replies. “Better point Dean out before he mauls you.”

“See the loud man? He’s worse than a hippie. He’s their leader... be careful about chewing on him, you might get high.”

Chomps was suddenly filled with rage and charged Dean, who tried to fend off Chomps.

“REPUBLICAN DOG EVIL!!! KILL REPUBLICAN DOG!!”

Dean tosses Raquel off to the side near John, who looks at her with a slight smile. “You’re welcome.”

Her eyes glare at him angrily. Very angrily. “My hero.” She stands up and dusts herself off. “So that’s Chomps, The World’s Angriest Dog, huh?

“Yup, that’s him alright.”

They both watch Howard Dean as he shouts angrily “YEARGH!!! REPUBLICAN DOG FILLED WITH- GARALKJBF!!!”

“I think Chomps got a hold of his vocal chords.” Raquel said, cocking her head to the side trying to make sense out of the mass carnage that lay in front of her.

John stood there in quiet wonder. “Hmm. If he's bullet proof, you would think he was teeth proof too, wouldn’t you?”

“To normal teeth, yes.” Raquel pointed out, “But Chomps’ teeth are made out of special angry calcium that can rip through any nasty little democratic bastard.”

“Heh, you don’t say?”

A mangled lump of humanity that use to be Howard Dean comes crawling on two...make that one and a half arms. John and Raquel look down unpityingly on him as he tries to continue his ranting through the third of his vocal chords that are left.

“Ye....argh....kill...help me....evil dog....bad for democratic....party…argh…”

John smiles. “I think he’s in pain. What do you think?”

“Hmmm.” Raquel stared for a long moment. “Yeah, I think he just might be in a bit of pain.”

“Heh.” They watch as Chomps continues his mauling, which is beginning to slow a bit. “Where’s Karl Rove when you need him? Chomps seems to be getting a wee bit tired. That lightning trick he does would be helpful.”

Suddenly, out of the darkness of a nearby alley, the cloaked figure of Karl Rove appears. The sky begins to stir with gray clouds as thunder roars through the skies and lightning comes out of Rover’s fingers to strike the twitching Dean still.

“He’s so mysterious and dreamy!! In an evil, dark manner, but absolutely heavenly none the less! Oh Karl Rove, my only love!”

John stares at the love crazy woman at his side. “Um, are we looking at the same person?”

Raquel stares bewildered at the girl who has suddenly appeared on the other side of John. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

The other girl blinks, just as bewildered. “What do you mean who am I? I’m Rakel! Question is, who are you?”

Raquel becomes filled with a wrath that rivals that of Donald Rumsfeld. “OH! That is a vile and odious lie! I’m Raquel, and not you!”The evil blonde twin smiled broadly. “Oh, no one’s arguing that. See, you’re Raquel with a ‘qu’. I’m Rakel with a ‘k’.”

Rakel turns her attention back to Rover, who is still somewhere in the shadows. “Oh Rooooover? Come out here baby!”

John shudders with disgust. Looking off to the side, he sees Raquel with crowbar in hand, holding it like a baseball bat. “Uh boy.” He takes a large step to the side, out of blood spatter range.

Rakel continues to go stir crazy over every breathing man in the general area. “Oh he looks so adorable when he lurks in the shadows. Come to think of it, John, you don’t look that bad either. Come to think of it, you look down right adorable.”

Raquel’s rage boils over. “THAT’S IT!”

Taking the crowbar in hand, she swings at Rakel’s head as if it were a giant tee-ball stand. With a sickening wet crack, the evil twin hits the floor. “Bull’s-eye!” Now, merrily humming to herself, she grabs the body by the feet and drags it off to the side. Clapping her hands clean, she returns to John’s side.

“Now, where were we?” She said with a smile.

John pointed to the cloaked figure in the darkness of the alley. “Rover.”

“Ah yes.” Raquel calmly walks over to Karl Rove and tugs on his robe.

Rover’s face slowly emerges out of the dark recesses of his hood. “What is this? A mere mortal touching my cloak?” The sky grew dark and menacing around them. “Do you know who I am?”

Raquel nodded. “Yes Mr. Rove sir- OOF!” A sharp blow was dealt to the back of her head, causing her to black out. She woke up a few seconds later, off to the side somewhere.

“Damn it Rover don’t be so sensitive about the cloak! It’s just a Party City rental and you know it! There was no need to strike me with one of your stupid lightning blots!”

John cleared his throat, calling for Raquel’s attention. She looked over at him as he pointed out, “No, actually that was Rakel, you evil twin, who woke up and jumped you from behind.”

“Damn bitch is starting to remind me of Howard Dean.” She mumbled.

“Hey, at least you're alive,” John shrugged, “I think she was aiming to kill.”

The evil twin Rakel appears standing on top of an overturned dumpster. “BWUAHAHAHA! Yes, it is I, the evil Rakel that has attacked you! And now that you have been disposed of…”

Rakel jumps out of the dumpster and merrily trots over to John, wrapping her arm through his. “Mine.”

“Hey!” Raquel begins to pout. “He doesn’t belong to you.”

John peers down at is arm at the demi-evil, hopelessly clueless blonde that was Raquel’s evil twin. “Only Raquel touches me like that.” With this, he gently takes her hand, twists it, snaps wrist, and keeps twisting it while raising it over his head. “Capisce?”

Raquel smiled. “Never mess with a Republican. ‘Specially if he’s an Irish Catholic.”

The evil Rakel quietly nods her head. John smiled calmly. “Good.” He flips her over his shoulder and onto the floor. Quietly walking over to Raquel, he helps her up on her feet. “Let’s go.”

Raquel dusts herself off and runs toward Rakel’s unconscious form. “Hold on a moment.”

Bending over her body, Raquel fusses over the body for a few quick moments. When she steps away, Rakel is wearing a tie dye tee shirt, head band, and peace medallion.

John smiles. “Oooh.”

Rakel slowly rouses from her unconscious state and sits up. “Ugh, my aching head. Hey, nice threads. Very vintage chic.” She looks up into the distance to see something running toward her.

“What the…Hey! That looks like a cute dog coming toward me. But why does he look so angry? So very angry. Maybe it’s Bush’s mom, Barbra. Hello Mrs.- OH MY GOD THE PAIN!!!”

John gave a small laugh. “And she thought the wrist was bad.”

Raquel stares at the carnage with a look of confusion. “She has a wrist left?”

“I mean from before.”

“Oh! From when she tried to go where no other woman but me has gone before?” She smirked.

John rolled his eyes. “Yes Raquel.” He turned to her and chided. “You know, why do you have to put it like that? It gets tiring.”

“But it’s true!”

As Raquel and John bicker over this personal matter, Karl Rove partially emerges from the shadows. He watches…evilly. “And I thought Rumsfeld was bad. I have never seen two such people ever come close to matching his wrath.” Rover comes forth from the darkness and approaches the two, who are still bickering.

“All I ask is that you tone it down a bit.” John said, rubbing his weary brow. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Fine.” Raquel sighed. “But I’m still- did it get ominous feeling all of the sudden or is it just me?”

They both turn to see Rover standing next to them with a big, creepy smile on her face. Raquel takes a big step toward John and grabs his hand. “I’m scared.”

To her surprise, John grabs hold of her arm as well. “I think I’m a bit worried myself.” He whispered into her ear.

“How would you two like to serve your country?” Rover propositions. “We need violent youth like you to go out and protect our great land from evil hippie influences and liberal psychopaths.” Rover then smiles evilly and rubs his hands together. “For the elders have seen this day coming, and it is written in the Book of Punditry.”

A dark cloud appears and the Book of Punditry descends from its dark billows. Rover waves his hand over the Book, and an ominously conservative wind blows it open. He begins to read:

"And the day shall come when the evil clone of she who defeated the beast of the DNC shall be defeated by the man that looks like the Envoy of the Elders. These two, and no one else, shall be the ones to bring glory to the RNC.”

Rover glares up and looks John over. He scoffed. “I guess you can pass for a younger version of myself.” He passes his hand over the book and it went back the way it came.

Raquel looked John over in a less judgmental way and smiled. “I guess you do sorta look like him…But don’t you think it a bit odd how that prophesy described the whole thing to a tee?”

“Well the book is a large gathering of prophesies and the such. So I guess it has to be accurate.” With a huge grin he pulled out a quill. “Even if I hadn’t just scribbled it in the margins.”

Raquel’s jaw went slack and hung open. “How did you?” She shook her head “I don’t even want to know.”

For some reason, Rover heard none of this and continued with his spooky prophesizing. “So what do you say? Will you join us and fulfill your mission as written rather sloppily in, oddly enough, the margins of the Book of Punditry.”

John looked at Raquel. “Well, what do you think? Sounds like a great opportunity to get to beat up a bunch of people who really deserve it, and you know, as much as they want to, Chomps and Rummy can’t get to them all.”

She looked at Rover, and in being severely creeped out by the small smile on his face looked back at John. She looked at the ground and remained quiet a moment.

“Well?” John asked.

“Don’t rush me!” Raquel snapped, afterward returning to her thoughtful staring position.

John just stood and stared. More time when by then he would have expected, and he got a bit worried. “I think she ruptured something in her brain.” He mumbled as he bent down to check her pupils.

Before he could check out anything, she snapped up to attention and saluted Rove.

“I guess not.” He mumbled, as he copied her motions.

Rover smiled eagerly. “Excellent. Welcome into service for the United States government.”

Raquel smiled happily and pushed out her chest. “It’ll be an honor to service my fellow officers.”

Everything became dead quiet, and a single cricket chirped in the background, unaware of what was just said. John and Rover both stared at Raquel. Her not knowing what was just said (plus the more than eager smile on her face) made the moment even more awkward and uncomfortable.

Raquel’s eyes suddenly grew wide with realization of what she had just said. “Erm…I meant to say serve with my fellow officers.”

“Sure you did Raquel.” John said, gently taking her saluting arm and setting it back down at her side. “Lets not piss off the man with the lightning fingers, okay?” Raquel looked over at Rover with a dirty little smirk on her face. “I wonder what else he can do with those lightning fingers of his.”

Rover coughed slightly as if he was drinking a liquid that went down the wrong pipe. “Excuse me?” he questioned, not believing what he had heard.

John sighed. “Raquel…” He hid his brow in his hand. “I can’t believe you. I might as well have let that stupid blonde version of you live…Let her jump Rove…”

“You know how to do anything else with those lightning fingers of yours?” She repeated.

John turned back to Raquel, assuming his position of tamer. “You want to try that sort of thing? Leave Rover out of it and just attach a tazer to your-"

Before John could finish his sentence, Raquel leans over to Rover, batting her eyelashes. “So Mr. Rove, tell me...am I going to be serving directly under you? Hmm?”

Rover, not quite able to figure out what to do in the very peculiar situation he’s in, did what he does best. Dark clouds began to yet again surround them. “ARE YOU MOCKING ME?” His voice boomed with conservative might. “HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME! NOW YOU SHALL FACE THE FULL FOR OF MY PUNDITRIAN MIGHT!!” As Karly boomed, lightning struck and winds howled. The two Chosen Republicans just stood and looked around at the tempest like fury that surrounded him.

“Look, a cow!” Raquel pointed at a cow flying past them.

“Moo.”

John shrugged. “And SarahK thinks she looks like one of those? What IS that woman thinking? Oh well…”

Before the storm reached its pinnacle, John cleared his throat. This simple action somehow got Rove’s attention for a brief moment. “Um sir, if I can have a moment of your wrathful, furious time?”

“Yes?” Rover bellowed impatiently. “I believe she’s hitting on you.” John said simply. The storm very suddenly stopped. Rover just stared at John. “Say what?”

“She’s hitting on you.” He repeated calmly.

“She’s hitting one me?” He questioned, looking over at her. “You sure she’s not mocking me?”

“Hitting on you, yes. Mocking you, never.”

For once, Karl Rove failed to come up with an answer or even a threat or foretold prophesy. He just stared at the two. His conservative nerves shot beyond immediate repair. His eye began to twitch. “Too…provocative…Need…conservative…behavior.”

Raquel stares at Rover’s twitching eye, cocking up and eyebrow. She looks over at John, who just stands there with a small, unexplained smile on his face. She looked back at Rove and his unchanging reaction. She broke the awkward silence. “Yeah…so…Why don’t I let you to boys talk while I go change for duty?” She looked around the street and smiled. “Awesome. A Hot Topic and a military surplus story located right next to each other. I’ll be right back.”

The two men stood and watched her as she trotted off merrily to put her service uniform together; Chomps following at her heels, taking time to release his anger on items that begged for destruction on the way over.

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